How White People Can Survive The Next Four Years

Other than pushing the “heart” icon on every tweet by the incoming President, what can white people in the USA – or anyone perceived as white – do to stay safe and happy for the next four years under the new administration? Here are some ideas:

1. When someone tries to talk about anything political, say things like “whoever is President doesn’t really affect most people” and “I don’t really care about politics right now” and “I’m not going to read or watch the news anymore.” Say you’re focused instead on “being positive,” and “listening to everyone’s point of view.”
2. When your friends express fears about what the incoming President has said he will do, or when he actually does something that frightens them, like asking for the names of US government officials that have attended international conferences on climate change, or the names of US Department of State staff that have worked on gender-related initiatives, tell those friends that they are being “alarmist” and that they need to “take a break from worrying.” You may have to stop hanging out with them to keep yourself safe from their worries.
3. When any friends or neighbors say they are not going to do anything that might be seen as appeasing racists that support Trump, or as appeasement regarding racist or fascist actions by the incoming Presidential administration, chide them for not being inclusive or tolerant or Patriotic, and for making other people “uncomfortable” by being intolerant. Tell them you love your country and that you “respect differences in opinion” no matter what and “want to keep the peace” and that you are committed to learning more about the “other” side’s point of view, no matter what the point of view is, because the people that say those racist, fascist things, or the people that say that those who say such things “aren’t really bad people,” are members of your family, or are your neighbors or co-workers, and that means they aren’t really serious about those comments. In fact, don’t worry at all about saying anything that’s even vaguely racist, let alone overtly, yourself, similar to what the incoming President has said about immigrants, black Americans, people of Mexican heritage and American Indians. Balk when friends try to bring up Nazi Germany.
4. Keep saying over and over that Trump voters aren’t really bad people and that their votes were about the economy. Be in complete denial that data keeps showing, again and again, that Trump voters were NOT voting for the economy – they were voting for racism and sexism. Don’t read this paper by political scientists Brian Schaffner, Matthew MacWilliams, and Tatishe Nteta that puts the blame back on the same factors people pointed to before the election: racism and sexism. Don’t look at their research-based chart that shows that voters’ measures of sexism and racism correlated much more closely with support for Trump than economic dissatisfaction… a bulk of support for Trump — perhaps what made him a contender to begin with — came from beliefs rooted in racism and sexism. Specifically, the researchers conclude that racism and sexism explain most of Trump’s enormous electoral advantage with non-college-educated white Americans, the group that arguably gave Trump the election.”
5. Don’t donate to, volunteer for,or attend any event by any organizations that help immigrants, that advocate for living wages, that say anything about the “working poor” (no such thing!), that advocate for more affordable housing or imply that rents are too expensive for millions of people in the USA, that help women seeking abortion services, that help women access or learn about pregnancy prevention, or that are associated with Muslims in any way. Don’t “like” the status updates of any such organizations on Facebook, or show any support for them on any social media.
6. Don’t say anything supportive of “Black Lives Matter.” Whenever someone says “Black Lives Matter,” Say “All lives matter!” Use the words the incoming President has to talk about black neighborhoods : call them “war zones”, and say that black Americans are “living in your poverty, your schools are no good, you have no jobs,”, etc., but don’t actually visit any black neighborhoods for yourself. Say similar things to what the incoming President has said about Black Americans, like “They didn’t come out to vote for Hillary. They didn’t come out. And that was a big — so thank you to the African-American community.” (citation). Discourage any black Americans from voting.
7. Do NOT associate with Muslims. Inter-faith events might be okay, to show you don’t hate all of them, but don’t go to any speeches by Muslims, especially those that express concern about things like a “Muslim registry.”
8. Don’t say anything negative about the coal industry, oil drillers, gas pipelines, brokers and financial advisers, real estate speculation, private prisons, Trump hotels, or Trump university. Do say negative things about the solar industry.
9. Talk about the failure of public schools and how you want federal money to go to private schools, which is where you send your children or want to or would want to, if you had school-aged children. Cite as one of your reasons for this that a majority of U.S. public school students come from low-income families (just above 50%); blame public schools for this.
10. Talk about how Scott Baio is really under-rated as an actor and political commentator. Lamet that Wayne Rogers died before he could vote for Trump. Go to concerts by Ted Nugent, Kid Rock and Azealia Banks, and praise them on social media. Buy lots of Duck Dynasty-related merchandise, and note that you have done so on social media. Disparage the lauded, legendary musical “Hamilton.”
11. Don’t go to Cuba, unless it’s with a Christian organization that wants to convert people there to an evangelical religion, and if you do visit, then when you come back, talk about how horrible life is there and how pitiful Cubans are compared to people in the USA.
12. Post on social media with warm words about Vladamir Putin. Say he’s a man “highly respected within his own country and beyond,” as our incoming President has. Don’t say anything about the 21 Russian journalists who have been murdered during Putin’s tenure, who had written articles critical of his actions and policies. Don’t say anything about the illegal war he’s waging in Eastern Ukraine, his illegal annexation of Crimea and expulsion of Muslim Tatars from the peninsula, his illegal annexation of areas of Georgia, his staunch campaigning against what he calls “gay propaganda”, or the forced evictions of people from their homes for the Sochi Olympics. Say you are grateful for the Russians illegally hacking into computers in the USA. Even better: travel to Russia and, when you return, no matter what you saw, say how great it was there and how everyone is happy and loves their President.  

Do even a few of these things and you will stay in the good graces of the Trump administration and all of his supporters. You will have a quiet, peaceful, stress-free life – at least for the next four years.

How you will sleep at night, however – that’s another matter.

And if you can’t tell this is satire, you’re probably a Trump voter.

Also see:

• No, it wasn’t about the economy
• silence means approval
• What does it mean to be “white” in the USA?
• A citizen of nowhere