I don’t know why some people delight in tearing women down. But I have, too often, befriended such people, or worked for them.
It’s a calculated plan: these folks first look for opportunities to make a passive-aggressive comment, or call into question something the woman has said or done, particularly if they can do it in front of other people. Why did you do it that way?! implying in the presence of others that they had no idea what you were doing or why you are saying whatever it is you are saying. But these folks save the worst comments for one-on-one conversations, so they can later deny what was said was ever said. They also like to entice you into conversations where you think things are fine, great even, and so you share, as they are sharing with you… but later, you hear them represent some comment you made twisted in a way you never meant, or something you thought you were sharing in confidence revealed to all your friends or colleagues.
The goal is for others to see you as these folks are framing you, and for you to second guess everything you say or do. And, unfortunately for women, it’s a strategy that works all too well.
These folks know when they’ve made a woman doubt herself. They know when they’ve stopped her on some kind of trajectory she was on, and now she’s not going to do that project at all, or in quite the same way, or tell that story, with the confidence she had just a few seconds ago. They know she’s going to become more and more silent and tentative. That realization is their first moment of triumph, and they work hard for more.
The strategy starts off as little, infrequent attacking comments. And it may never escalate above that. And you may tolerate it because this person is otherwise really great to be around. Or brilliant. Or a neighbor you will probably see every day. Or your boss in a job you really, really need. Or someone your boss really likes. Or a family member.
Or it may become relentless. And soul-crushing.
It’s all about control. These folks have, somehow, seen something in a woman – you – that intimidates them, that threatens them, so they have to pick at it, if not out-and-out try to crush it. There’s something about that woman that makes the person think, I cannot let her confidence continue. And I know how to kill it.
The word bully gets thrown around a lot these days, but I can’t think of anything that better describes these folks. A bully isn’t just someone who says something that hurts your feeling. A bully isn’t just someone who criticizes you. According to my dictionary, a bully is a person who habitually seeks to harm or intimidate those whom they perceive as vulnerable.
I think about the people who have spoken out about their treatment by Joss Whedon, someone whose work has touched my life and lifted me up as much as any actual friend I’ve ever had – and maybe more. I think about what Megan Markle said about her experience in London. And I think about my own experiences, including a recent work experience.
When I complained about being sexually harassed at one humanitarian job site by a co-worker, the HR person said, “You know that this kind of work is hard and presents really tough challenges. If you aren’t cut out for it, you might need to look for work elsewhere.” And I quit complaining and asked a co-worker to please make sure I was never put in the same car as that other co-worker, because I really loved that job otherwise, I really needed it. So, not only was the harasser making life hell – the HR manager wanted that moment of control, and the ongoing power that comes with it – I’m so grateful it never worked out that that HR manager was in no way involved in my performance review, because I know exactly how he would have reveled in that power.
When an employer that I’d left under not great terms called almost two years later, almost begging me to come back, I went back, knowing full well how badly I had been treated before – the insults, the cutting remarks, the humiliation in front of other staff – but I really, really needed the job, and thought, okay, this time, I’m going to be different. And it was different – it was worse. I guess there are people that would say, “You knew what you were signing on for. You knew how it would be. You can’t complain if you knew all that.”
Let’s be clear: there’s a big difference in a tough work environment and a humiliating one. And no one should have to tolerate working or living in a humiliating environment, no matter how much “tradition” is behind it, no matter how brilliant the leader is perceived to be, no matter how much great work that workplace or institution or person may or may not have done.
You have every right to say, “This is not what I signed up for. I’m out.” And to walk away.
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