The internet is packed with advice on how to deal with depression. And they are all crap.
Here’s why:
The advice always starts with Talk with a friend.
For people who are suffering from severe depression, friends have often distanced themselves, or they don’t have friends to trust with this kind of conversation. In addition, friends often give LOUSY advice when it comes to depression, and may even make the situation worse. In short, in many, many most, cases for someone who is depressed, friends aren’t available or aren’t a good option at all.
Next is always Talk with a therapist.
This is the one that really infuriates me. There’s rarely any advice offered on how to find a therapist. Most people have no idea how to find a therapist, and their depression has drained them so much they aren’t going to spend hours trying to figure it out. Sometimes, the article will say, “talk with your health care provider for referrals.” What if the person doesn’t have health care insurance? What if all of the therapists that are in the person’s health care insurance network are booked solid for months?
And what if you cannot afford to go to a therapist? Even if you have healthcare coverage, therapy is terribly expensive.
There’s also this reality: there are some really lousy therapists out there. I’ve had one. Where’s the advice on how to know if a therapist is worthwhile? What are the signs that you have a good therapist, versus one that you need to drop?
Is online therapy an option? It might be, if you can afford it. The cost of therapy ranges from $60 to $100 per week, usually billed every four weeks, and can even be higher based on your preferences, location and therapist availability. Here’s what healthline.com had to say about online therapy sites:
- Best overall: Talkspace.
- Largest network of licensed counselors: BetterHelp.
- Best online therapy for cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): Online-Therapy.com.
- Best online therapy for mental and physical health: Amwell.
- Best for online psychiatry: MDLive.
Other resources that can help you find resources in your area:
- SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, available 24 hours, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, available free, confidential, available 24 hours, 365-day-a-year. Languages: English, Spanish. 800-273-8255.
- Your county health department’s web page.
- Whether you believe it or not right now, your life really can get better. Not just tolerable, but BETTER. It may not ever be as good as it was at the best point of your life, it may never be the same, but absolutely, it can get to the point where you want to live, where you have things to enjoy. Please dig as deep as you can and have faith in this possibility, even just for today (but, of course, knowing that it probably isn’t going to get better today, specifically). This is absolutely a critically important point.
- The fact that you are depressed does not say to me that you are weak. I have trouble trusting anyone that does not admit to having at least one dark time in their life or that claims it’s easy and just a matter of having a good attitude and eating some magical non-GMO free-range whatever food in order to never be depressed.
- You are stronger than you think you are. You have strength you don’t believe you have. You have strength I don’t have.
- There are no quick fixes for your situation. This is a marathon, and that sucks eggs, but that’s how it is. Here’s the good news: you don’t have to run. You don’t have to hurry. You can rest as much as you want to along the way. But if you can try, every day, you will, eventually, get to a better place.
- Walk every day. Every damn day. Even if it’s just around one block. Even if it’s just to the end of your street and back. Walk EVERY DAY. It will probably take two months for you to start getting any benefits from this, but you will start thinking at least a bit more clearly and calmly.
- Take a shower or bath at least once a week.
- Each day, listen to music at least as much if not more than you watch TV or on a computer or your phone trolling through the Internet.
- Find a place in your house, even if it’s a closet, where you can sit for five minutes, without any radio playing in the room, without a TV playing in that room, without any other person in that room. Sit with your eyes closed and breathe. Try to think only about the sound and feeling of your breath. Try to do it for at least five minutes – if you need to set a timer to know when 5 minutes is up, put that timer outside your space, so that you hear only the alarm, not the “tick tick” or not any messages or other notifications on your phone. It will probably take two months for you to start getting any benefits from this, but you will start thinking at least a bit more clearly and calmly.
- If a benign activity sounds even halfway interesting, or you can at least get up enough energy to do it, please do it: getting a massage, getting a manicure or pedicure, getting your hair cut, going to a movie, cooking a lasagne, tinkering on a long-neglected piano, dancing in your living room, doing a jigsaw puzzle, whatever.
- Go to bed and get up at the same times day after day. And no interactive electronics in the bedroom – no computer, no smart phone. Something that plays music or an alarm clock is allowed. If you are getting just four hours of sleep a night, then pick when those four hours will be – midnight to four a.m.?
- Consider giving up all alcohol and cannabis for at least two months. There is a growing body of evidence pointing to the co-occurrence of cannabis use and depression. Observational and epidemiological studies have not indicated a positive long-term effect of cannabis use on the course and outcome of depression. More scientific information about why you should avoid cannabis when you are depressed. You need to be thinking clearly as you work to heal.
- If you believe in a god, go to a church, mosque or temple that aligns with your beliefs. Sit near the back in case you want to leave early.
- Trust every point that’s been named here, altogether, as a process that will, eventually, work. Not in a day, not in a week, and maybe not even a month. But, eventually, it will start working to make things better.
- Call those aforementioned numbers any time you are ready to give up.
- If you have healthcare coverage and can make an appointment with your doctor, do so, and tell that doctor exactly what you are experiencing. There may be a medical treatment that doctor can recommend.
- Do everything you can to find affordable therapy. That may mean cutting back on your streaming service subscriptions, eliminating all charitable giving, not buying any gifts for Christmas, having a garage sale, or asking a family member for financial help.
- If you have children, I can assure you that if you were to commit suicide – and yes, I use that phrase, commit suicide – you will scar their mind, heart and soul for life. Forever. If fact, you increase the likelihood they will choose this for themselves, even decades later.
- If you have family or friends, you will scar their mind, heart and soul for life if you commit suicide. My only hesitation in saying that is maybe you are so bitter that that’s what you want, but I hope not.
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