At the visitation and funeral of my father, a LOT of people came to speak with my family and even to me, specifically. In trying to be helpful or comforting, some of these people said some really insensitive things to me, or things I found ridiculous. But instead of getting mad or frustrated, I thanked everyone who spoke to me. I appreciated each person for being there and speaking to me, even the relative that tried to convert me to her religion.
Months later, I had someone say to me “I didn’t get in touch because I didn’t know what to say.” And then he shrugged and never mentioned it again. THAT hurt me far more than anyone who stopped by the funeral home to say something regarding the death of my father and ended up saying something cringe-worthy.
For someone to spend time with you is a gift. When someone is trying to be kind, I appreciate it, even if whatever they say really isn’t that helpful or may not be completely appropriate. If I think someone is coming from a place of sincerity and care, I’m not going to fault them for saying something that misses the mark. Yes, I might explain to them why something they are saying isn’t true or helpful, or even hurtful, but the last thing I want to do is turn away an ally. I need all the allies I can get.
I say this because there is suddenly an onslaught of articles and tweets and memes and commercials ridiculing people for, in their efforts to be an ally or to be supportive, saying the “wrong” thing. Some of this messaging even mocks people for asking questions to try to understand something or their efforts to comfort a friend, like that dreadful Better Help TV commercial.
Every day, I’m on a journey, as are you, and on that journey, I learn things, like that this word I’ve used all my life is now inappropriate. Or that question is something that can be hurtful to this particular group of people. Or that this custom has different meanings for different people. I’ve very much appreciate people who try to educate me. I have not at all appreciated people who’ve mocked me, especially in a moment of earnest effort to do or say the right thing.
This is not a time to say things that shut people down from talking or sharing or trying to connect to others. This is not a time to tell people not to talk to each other because they might say the wrong thing. This is a time of incredible divisiveness and misinformation and rising hate that is driving us farther and farther apart, compounded by a deadly pandemic where we literally had to stay apart in order to survive. If we stop talking out of fear of saying the wrong thing, out of fear of being derided, we’re going to be even more divided.
Instead of rolling your eyes at a comment from a friend or colleague or neighbor who is genuinely trying to help you, to be there for you, and just said something you think isn’t really helpful, try to be as kind as they are trying to be. Unless that person is trying to make you feel stupid – and those people are out there, certainly – don’t try to make them feel stupid because you don’t like their sincere effort to offer advice or comfort. Absolutely, if they say something that is hurtful, talk to them about it. And if the comment warrants anger, then get angry, and say why. But remember that there is something that same person you are annoyed with is going through that YOU wouldn’t understand and that if you tried to talk about it, YOU might make some inappropriate comments.
How to tell when someone is being sincere in an effort to be kind versus when someone is trolling you, or being obtuse, or being passive aggressive? THAT I cannot always tell.
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