I have more in common with my Dad than I’m often willing to admit.
We were so different in so many ways: he was really into appearances, in looking very put together, in driving a car and dressing in such a way that conveyed “I’m successful and flush with cash.” I look most times like I just rolled out of bed and always hated flashy cars. He wanted to get away from associations with rural Kentucky, like the music and food and images of being a “White trash”, and I wear all of that as a badge of honor. He was a Reagan Republican and I think Ronald Reagan is the root of all the evil going on right now in the Republican party. He hated reading – I can’t get enough of it. He did not like intellectuals and academics, I revel around intellectual and academic banter. He was angry a lot of the time over his childhood and perceived grievances – I think life’s too short to constantly dwell on such things (though it took a LONG time to get there).
BUT he loved live theater, particularly musicals. He loved the stories, the folklore, from rural Kentucky. He loved a live singer that was a wonderful performer (not all are). He adored Barbara Streisand. He loved a really great meal in a fine restaurant. He tipped well. And I love all that too, passionately.
There is another thing we have in common, and I’m not proud of it: an intense jealousy of people we don’t like when they do well. He would rail endlessly about it, furious that someone he had no respect for, or was deeply envious of, was getting something that he really wanted and that he didn’t think they deserved. It would eat him up for days… years. I experience exactly the same intense jealously at times, but really try not to let it completely derail my life – maybe just my day. I won’t say I get over it; after stewing on it for a day or two, I put it in a box and put it way and try not to think about it, and more often than not, I’m successful.
Most of the people that I loathe are people I think are profoundly unkind, that make a point to hurt others, and maybe who specifically hurt me. But like my Dad, a lot of them are just people I think I am as smart as, as talented as, or more smart and talented than, and I resent their success, because I think it should be me.
My primary triggers are when that person gets a new, dream job, celebrates an anniversary in a dream job, gets a recognition or honor, or has a celebration because of a retirement from a dream job.
Such jealousy is not healthy, it’s petty, it’s nothing to be proud of, it’s a distraction away from things one SHOULD be focused on – and here I sit seething yet again because someone I really, really don’t like is celebrating something I want.
One of my favorite songs is Farther Along. The opening lines are:
Tempted and tried we’re oft made to wonder
Why it should be thus all the day long
While there are others living about us
Never molested though in the wrong.
The first time I remember hearing those lyrics, I stopped in my tracks. It’s a question I’ve asked pretty much all of my life. As an Atheist, I know there’s no answer to the why and that there’s no cosmic plan that’s created this situation. The chorus is a bit of a cop out as to why… and yet, I find comfort in it:
Farther along we’ll know all about it
Farther along we’ll understand why
Cheer up my brother live in the sunshine
We’ll understand it all by and by.
I’d like to believe that, as time passes, I’ll either understand it or just not care anymore. And indeed, in the meantime, let’s live in the sunshine. It’s a good strategy, and I do my best to follow it.
I write this after having just read about yet another triumph by a person I’m not fond of: years ago, somehow, this person fell into an amazing job, and the person held on to it for more than a quarter of a century. And now this person is celebrating retirement: this person gets to decide when this ends, and gets to end a career on a high note, on their own terms.
I write this also while watch a President, a failed businessman, a failed father, a failed human, a vicious, racist, sexist convicted felon, who has NEVER faced the consequences for his actions, go golfing in Scotland and laugh at all of us.
Up to my 40s, all I wanted was to be in a great job that pays me what I’m worth for a full five years. Just five years. I had never had that, and was hoping to have it at last in my 40s. It would help my ego AND give me some much-needed financial security when I retire. At 45, I thought, okay, how about just three years? Nope. And at 55, I thought, okay, how about just two? That would still be SO helpful. Nope.
If social security goes away, I’m beyond screwed over. I’m really not sure what we’ll do, other than keep trying to work into our 80s.
Back to the sunshine, back to hoping I’ll understand it all by and by…
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